The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Maybe because the full moon just passed, I don't know..but I seem to have a bad case of the blues. I started crying at work for no reason, and of course there my boss stood scratching his head and wondering what was going on, and I couldn't explain...



I think it's a seasonal thing, I really do. I love autumn, the colors and the smells and the chill of the evenings moving into winter. If only winter didn't have Christmas I think I would do a lot better.

Why am I always on the outside looking in? It just seems like I can never be like the rest. Everyone seems to have someone but me...have a special someone that they can talk to and be with..everyone but me.

Now as the holidays approach it just gets worse..no family or friends to be with. Any other time of year I am fine alone, it doesn't bother..I have long grown used to walking alone.

But just every now and then..it would be nice to walk beside someone.

Nothing has been going right lately. Actually nothing has been going right for a long long time. I can't seem to do anything right at work...when I take the initiative and do something I think is correct I get told "You should have asked first!" but when I ask first I get told "Why didn't you take the initiative and do it yourself?"

Absolutely nothing seems to please them anymore. I can't even load a dryer correctly anymore. And being men, their idea of addressing a situation is to tell you off right then and there, instead of taking you aside and saying "Maybe you ought to try it this way next time." And they wonder why I silently cry as I go about my business.

Everything is one big ache. Everything hurts, nothing works. If I wasn't such a coward I would just end it, but I keep on going. I don't know why.

*Drumroll*

Firstly a big THANK YOU to LadyKrystalynDarkstar for helping me spruce up my profile. I was absolutely amazed. She seemed to peer right into my black heart and knew exactly what I wanted on there! The "autumnal faerie* is great, I love the shimmering look of her, all in my favorite colors too!

I had resisted getting my pro fixed up for awhile, basically because I had no luck with the HTML and was thinking it was something wrong with my computer. Turns out it was me doing it wrong lol...typical.

Now I feel I am really well represented here, and am taking some time looking at the many covens and houses to see what they are all about. I am hoping to be an active participant and wouldn't want to be just taken in and left alone in a dark corner...perhaps I can dust off some of the many pieces of fiction I have mouldering around this crypt and see what other people think, if I should go ahead, get serious and try to get them published..or....BONFIRE NIGHT....lol.

I thought I had better get the journal thing going, so I posted a couple of poems in the other sections just to start it out. I have seen a lot of really good poetry on here and thought I'd throw mine into the mix.

I had the weekend off and managed to get quite a bit done around here, got a lot of stuff cleaned out, threw away some really old vhs movies, sorted some books, did laundry, washed dishes..phew...spent most of today just relaxing. I don't often get weekends off and really just enjoyed doing nothing.

Felt kind of blue for most of the afternoon, couldn't really put my finger on why, but it seems to be a continuing thing. I will be puttering along doing whatever and all of a sudden some really melancholy thoughts will break in and the clouds just roll on in. I think that it is because I am finally coming to grips with who and what I am, after all the years of trying to fit in and conform. I have always felt like I was looking at life from three steps back, and that all the "normal" stuff was for everyone else but not me.

And the more I try to deny it and fight it the worse it gets. Soo..I am gonna try and just accept things, and not beat myself up so much anymore. My people always said I was "weird"...they were right, but they never told me why.

COMMENTS

-

---

Theban
16:45 Dec 08 2009

Interestingly I never saw your journal until a few days ago....

---

POST COMMENT